Archive for the ‘plus: i might not try again’ Category

I’ve been making way too many executive decisions around here lately.  So for today and tomorrow, I’m playing more of a fill in the blanks role, thanks to two templates by a couple of people you probably already know.

Today, I’m going to start with an interview and answer some questions Sara sent me.  Forgive the length.  They were really good questions.

1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.


1. What is your very first memory?

My little brother.

Well, actually, I guess it was the possibility of him.

I don’t know when I learned he was coming. I just remember my pure glee at the chance to be a big brother. I’m 3 and a half years older than Paul now. So, if my math is correct, that would make me about 3 and a half when I heard the whispers that my only-childhood was ending.

I remember planning for him. I was at an office – must’ve been one of my parents’ offices. And I was standing near what would’ve been some rudimentary printer-copier machine, waiting on an 8 1/2” x 11” banner someone had helped me create. I had adorned him with an awesome nickname and I wanted to be able to see it in writing.*

“Paulie waulie waulie bing bong day.”

The whole thing had to be said all at once; kind of like “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

I was celebrating him with all of the imagination a 3 and a half year-old could muster. And that made me feel like the coolest person in the world.


2. How have you been impacted by the kindness of a stranger?

I’ve watched my mom be the people person I wish I could be.

It’s her kindness as a stranger. Her inability not to care, her willingness to listen, her passion to seek for opportunities to share.

I don’t want to give away details of her life on my blog – for that, you can go to her newly started blog – but her kindness as a stranger has been the driving force behind her survival. And it has changed the lives of everyone around her. Because so many of the strangers she’s touched now couldn’t imagine their lives without her.


3. Do you believe in second chances?

Do I deserve them? I’ll never be able to answer that, because I could never demand someone make space for me I once had but wasted.

But do I give them…

In The Mexican, there’s a moment, as they’re sitting on a curb, when Julia Roberts’ character is surprised by an answer James Gandolfini’s gives. She asks, “If two people love each other, but they just can’t seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?” and he says, almost confused by the obviousness of his answer, “Never.”

I don’t know if I’m there yet; at a place where I can say “never.”

I believe that hurt happens. I believe that, as with any collision, it’s worse when you don’t see it coming; when you can’t brace yourself; when you can’t talk yourself into being prepared; when you can’t talk yourself into understanding it.

And for those reasons, I often never forget hurt. I remember it vividly, sometimes daily. I’ve often wondered if this means I don’t ever really forgive. I’ve wondered if that’s fair. But second chances are new slates, as blank as hearts allow. We save them for only the biggest disasters, because pulling them out to squash merely disappointing, little things would be like bringing a bazooka to a thumb-wrestling match. We don’t think about giving second chances when someone forgets to leave the toilet seat down. We think about giving them when someone cheats on us, or breaks our heart…

And so if someone has done something to me so tragic that it means we have to stop our lives’ timeline and start from scratch, maybe what’s fair to them isn’t really the point. Or maybe it always is. I don’t know.

I’ve given second chances because I’ve been given second chances, and there but for the grace of gifts go I. I do believe in them and I’ll continue to give them, because there are some people you just don’t let go. But I’m cautious.


4. What would be the soundtrack to the movie of your life?

I wanted to just say “Once.” That movie is glorious and its soundtrack is its pair. But that would be lazy.

Since my favorite movies watch characters develop, my movie might as well be about relationships. So, by moment:

he can’t bear one more Souljah-Jeezy-wack-ass rapper… “Lodi Dodi” by Slick Rick and Doug E. Fresh
and wants some intelligence in his music… “Ghetto Story” by Lupe Fiasco
he finds someone who feels the same… “Isn’t She Lovely” by Stevie Wonder
and he’s wrapped up in her… “Nothing Even Matters” by Lauryn Hill feat. D’Angelo

it’s almost business time, but they need some coaxing… “Ascension (Don’t Ever Wonder)” by Maxwell
then it’s finally business time… “Come Go With Me” by Teddy Pendergrass
(or it’s business time, but Teddy is a little too classy for the amount of alcohol consumed… “On & On” by Nikka Costa)

their love is just budding… “Under Your Charms” by Josh Rouse
then he loves her, he knows it… “For The Love of You” by The Isley Brothers
and he’s there when she needs him… “Midnight Train to Georgia” by Gladys Knight & The Pips
so even when people doubt their love… “They All Laughed” by The Charlie Biddle Trio
she never does… “As” by Stevie Wonder

but then he gets in his own way, in their way… “Not Myself” by John Mayer
he’s sorry… “Bring It On Home To Me” by Sam Cooke
he tries to fix it, to not be an obstacle… “Let Go” by Frou Frou
but lets her slip through his fingers… “The ‘Notic” by The Roots feat. D’Angelo

heart broken… “Burning Bridges” by Jason Mraz
he considers giving it a second chance… “This Time” by Tracy Chapman
but he’s not supposed to miss her… “Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)” by Vertical Horizon
and so he’s trapped inside by the fireplace… “One Flight Down” by Norah Jones

but just as he begins to think that’s all he’s meant to be… “All At Sea” by Jamie Cullum
he gets lonely… “Wish You Were Here” by Incubus

and so, he finally heads back out again… “Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)” by Digable Planets
he adds a little more swagger to his pace… “Mellow My Man” by The Roots
and at a bar, he tries to make an entrance… “Trouble Man” by Marvin Gaye

but he’s bothered by knowing how much of it is just pose… “I Wish” by Skee-Lo
until he sees someone new… “Pretty Little Thing” by Fink


5. What do your readers know about you that your friends or family might not?

Maybe not even you know (I slipped it in via a tag in a past post). But I may not take the bar exam again. When I found out I failed, I had 16 days to sign up to take it over again. So I signed up. I just kept moving. You spend 4 years in undergrad getting “law school” grades, you get to law school, you narrow your focus for 3 years, you take the bar. I never stopped and really asked “Why?” along the way. I just did what I was supposed to.

And now I just can’t seem to find the heart. And I haven’t told a lot of people. Because I can’t admit what I’m not sure of.

*Not read. ‘Cause 4 year-olds generally don’t read, yet, right? So, apparently, I wanted to pretend to read it.


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i believe
in everything that’s make-believe
even if my fantasy’s Neverland on Earth
you say, “dream
but dream within the boundaries
when you add your color to the world”

and i don’t know
what to make of it
’cause you’re so perfect
the fault must be my own

but this ghost
would haunt me ’til eternity
if i backed down now

so much of this life
just ain’t what i expected;
i don’t need a miracle
i lost my faith some years ago
but i’ll proudly wear my heart upon my sleeve
even if it breaks me

(and something i didn’t write, obviously)

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