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Posts Tagged ‘because calling it a “dipstick” has been done before’

Ladies and gentlemen, this…

is TMI Thursday!

If you’re new around here, this is what TMI Thursday has meant to me.  I thought about writing a short composition to explain, but I’m not 11 and it’s not 1956, so I skipped the composition idea and went with that nifty link.  TMI Thursday is code for “remember that time you [insert gross, horrible occurrence] and how you vowed either never to speak of it again or laughed hysterically?  Well, on TMIT, inspired by LiLu, we break those vows and share that laughter.

Today’s TMIT is different, though.  It’s less of a story and more of a public service announcement, brought to you by the good people at the DANGLE Initiative.  No, not this Dangle –

dangle911(though his mere appearance qualifies as TMI) – but the DANGLE Initiative: Dudes Against Netherly Grazing Leftover Excretions.  It is a crack team organized to alert the world to one of its silent and oft-overlooked dangers: the dangle.

What’s the dangle?  Let’s start from the beginning.

This is a Norwegian public toilet:

_38727573_looWhy did I pick a Norwegian public toilet picture?  Because as we all know, the average American public toilet is a steaming disaster filled with post-mudbutt remainders.  And despite it being TMIT, I just wasn’t going to post an image of that first thing in the morning.

Forever, women have been professing the horror of having to sit on the seats of one of these public toilets, claiming to risk life and literally limb as their quads feel the burn of squatting at odd angles to avoid contact.

Ladies, we have it worse. We dangle. What you fear is outside the heart of the great American porcelain beast. That stuff on the seat? Arguably accidental. Sure, some people are just all sorts of stupid nasty. But what you face is mostly lazily inaccurate excretion.

We face excretion where it’s meant to be, and we face it head-on.

Size doesn’t matter here. After decades of research, DANGLE can guarantee that every male has sat on at least dozens of toilets while fearing the centerpiece of his nethers dangling and thereby grazing the INSIDE of the toilet. The INSIDE.

The process goes a little something like this:  We sit.  Where does the netherstick go?  We remember that there’s a no-tuck rule, especially when a tuck in this situation virtually guarantees the soil on your part would be your own.  We consider sitting our now nervous buddy on top of the seat, maybe even on a bed of TP.  But no; then there’s a risk of spraying your jeans with stuff that was still left in the tank.  So you point it down, begging it not to touch that stain of butt-fudge and what-looks-like-a-raisin on the front inner-rim.  Sometimes you walk away victorious.  Other times you almost make it out alive until you flush too early and get a soggy netherstick.  And worst-case scenario…  we here at the DANGLE Initiative are here to prevent the worst-case scenario.

Now an obvious suggested resolution is that men should start to squat above the seat.  But men only hover when in a hovercraft. Not even the strong risk of having our netherstick graze the lining of an uncleaned public toilet can overwhelm our stubbornness and respect for a challenge.

Therefore, here at DANGLE, we are working hard on a solution.  And we want you to help us.  There’s a DANGLE suggestion box below and we’d love to hear your ideas.

Save a netherstick, save the world.

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