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Posts Tagged ‘i will remember you Stalks’

30-days-official-website-only-on-fxMorgan Spurlock parlayed his Super Size Me fame and indie-film-street-cred into a number of really challenging adventures on 30 Days, a show on FX.

Every episode is a new venture into lifestyle immersion.  One of my favorite episodes is the premiere: Minimum Wage.  Spurlock and his special lady friend had to live on minimum wage for 30 days.  They started with a few hundred dollars and some clothes, but then had to find a place to live, find jobs, commute to those jobs, get health care, etc.

Condescending?  Arguably.  I get that.  But he’s trying, and that’s big.

Today, I have a similar yet wholly different ambition I’ve had since writing a science report in 4th grade:

I want to adopt and live with an adult, wild cheetah for 30 days.

cheetah-6090Here are highlights of how I imagine my 30-day experience, in note-to-self form.

Day 1:
Pick up chain-mail bodysuit from blacksmith on way to pick up cheetah at airport. Call Zipcar and ask what cheetah policy is.

Day 2:
Remember – handler said there is no “safe word.” There is bite and there is lose.

Day 3:
Ask Jeeves what cheetahs eat. Running out of time. Cheez-Its were no-go.

Day 6:
Earn trust. Give cheetah name; like “Killer” but with gentility of “Puddin’.”

Day 8:
“Stalks” not ready for playground, yet. Was too soon. Too soon.

Day 9:
Hid from Stalks and then I ran. I was playing. Thought being in house would quash speed advantage. Gotta learn to live with regrets.

Day 14:
Hospital release. Same insurance that didn’t cover the flu did cover readily avoidable cheetah mauling. America.

Day 15:
Unattended cheetahs poop in houses like undiapered babies: on anything.

Day 18:
Stalks finally let me pet him. Won’t admit, but missed me while I was in ICU.

Day 19:
Pushed envelope. Trained Stalks to hone murderous tendencies. Took all afternoon and three mailpersons.

Day 20:
Took Stalks out and about. Vanquished mine enemies. Didn’t have to wait in line at local supermarket for first time in ever.

Day 23:
Finally called boss. Told her Stalks was my bro; I am on bro-ternity leave.

Day 24:
Told roommate it was safe to leave bedroom now.

Day 26:
Missionaries came to door with pamphlets for my soul. Stalks was not afraid of their god.

Day 29:
Stalks caught bird in the house. Bird had it coming.

Day 30:
Drove slowly back to airport. Didn’t cry. It was allergies.

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